A Tattooed Promise
by Janelle
“When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”
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Can you tell him to have faith in yourself when you couldn’t even have faith in him?
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||||ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH||||
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I watched his silhouette through the glassy barricade, separating the passengers from their loved ones. I felt my newly-tattooed chest whimper in pain as it burned in its melancholy.
He walked in slow striding steps and once in a while would glance at me over his shoulders. He would smile though his eyes would betray it as he gaze at the woman beside me.
She would smile, too. She was better at pretending than him. I wonder if he knew from afar that crystals were slowly forming in her glossy eyes. He traced her features as if his eyes could substitute the warm touch of his hands on her face. She fidgeted and waved weakly at him. He turned back and slowly took slow hesitant steps. I heard her whimpered.
She clutched the sleeve of my jacket and swallowed, “Jaejoong.”
Her voice was barely audible but even though he was meters away from us and separated by a glass wall from us, he spun around and met her soft glittering eyes. They were an amazing couple, I noted to myself. They need not exchange words. One look and they understood each other telepathically. Even if they were separated by an ocean, they would probably still hear each other. That was love’s capacity to conquer distance. That was something I feel yet not understand. Her love for him was profound, as were his.
His eyes lingered at her for awhile but he slowly lifted his gaze to me, his best friend. I met his faded eyes and he gave me a meaningful look. I realized they weren’t the only ones who could communicate wordlessly. He and I shared a different telepathy—one that is endless and more solemn, one that is bound not only by the identical tattoos on each of our right chest, one that is bound by promises I swore to keep. He spoke nothing but his gaze and the message he was conveying to me would be shriller than the sound of the siren.
LAST NIGHT
I was not drunk yet—going to be. I felt a little giddy but I knew I was still sober. I had only a few glasses… about two? No, it was about three. Actually, I had four. I had four glasses of whiskey.
Jaejoong sat across me, taking in the same amount I had. I was feeling more light-headed each time I sipped but Jaejoong had more tolerance for alcohol than me. He could go more than ten glasses without feeling signs of drunkenness.
Despite the whiskey, my chest was throbbing painfully. I had to wear a V-cut shirt to allow the cool breeze to caress it. I frowned at my best friend who less than five hours ago brought me to a tattoo parlor. “I can’t believe I allowed myself to be persuaded by you in getting a tattoo. You know I despise needles.”
He snickered. It might be the last time I’ll see him do that. His flight for America was booked tomorrow afternoon at three o’clock. “It’s not your first time getting a needle work.”
“You talked me into that, too.” I groaned. “You’re a despicable man, Kim Jaejoong. You know we could get hepatitis or AIDS or tetanus or maybe even cancer for all we know it.”
Jaejoong laughed. “We don’t get cancer from needles.” Although I knew I said something funny, and although I heard him express his amusement, I knew there was something wrong. His laugh didn’t sound amused at all but it didn’t sound sarcastic either. It was hollow and it resonated like a painful echo against the cool breeze of the autumn night.
“What’s the matter?” I eyed him while lifting the half-filled glass of whiskey and attempting to take another sip but Jaejoong, he gazed back at me with an inscrutable glum in his eyes and held back my hands.
“I want to do this sober.”
“Tell me,” I instantly put the whiskey down. The liquor bounced off the glass and some spilled on my hands and sizzled there. I recognized Jaejoong when he wanted to be serious. I recognized that tone and that deadpanned expression.
“The reason why I’m flying to America,” He began. I nodded attentively and he mouthed to me the words I never would like to hear from anyone in my life. No sound escaped his mouth when he said them but his words were amplified a billion times louder in my head. The spilled whiskey was suddenly boiling against my skin. My chest felt like it was bleeding out. I accidentally shoved my glass away from the table and it shattered on the floor, spilling its contents. “Don’t kid around, Jaejoong.”
“I’m not kidding.” He said solemnly. We both ignored the broken glass and spilled whiskey. We just stared at each other. He was waiting for my reaction while I was waiting for a few seconds for him to crack up. The silence enveloped the two of us before I realized that more than a minute had already passed.
He was serious.
I felt hot tears trickle down my cheeks. No way, I gasped out. “So this tattoo… it means…”
He nodded sadly. “Yeah.”
“You haven’t told Yoojin?”
His shoulders shuddered at the name of the woman he loved. His hands trembled uncontrollably while squeezing the whiskey glass in attempt to break it. I knew the answer before he could utter a word and I knew he was stifling a cry.
“You won’t tell her?”
He looked up at me in his bitter agony. “You won’t tell her, too.”
I looked away, refusing to make promises for him.
“You won’t tell her, Yoochun.” He repeated firmly.
I guessed I didn’t have a choice.
I slip my v-necked collar and revealed the words engraved on my chest forever. Always keep the faith. At the same time, I blurted out, I promise.
TWO MONTHS AND A HALF LATER
Yoojin sipped her coffee as I slipped the plate of donuts to her. She asked me to meet her in the usual coffee shop where she and Jaejoong used to hang out while I would work my way to flirt with one of the workers. For a month and a half, every time she called for me, we would meet here and there would be no more flirting for me.
“Did he call you?” She gently laid down the coffee on the table.
“Three days ago.”
She frowned babyishly. This was what Jaejoong loved about her but I guessed he loved her more than the way she frowns. He loved her more than the way her sleek and long hair would cascade over her narrow shoulders or how her eyes would flutter like butterflies. Ever since Jaejoong left, I had been noticing Yoojin as a woman—even an attractive one.
She took a little bite of the donut and then took another sip of coffee. “He called you recently? Do you know when the last time he called me was? It was four days ago.”
I smirked. “So? He called me the day later?”
“He should call me more frequently than he calls you.” Yoojin pointed out. There was a tint of humor in her feminine voice but it was not enough to mask the blatant jealousy.
“We’re best friends, Yoojin.” I explained but she cut in.
“I know but I’m his girlfriend. Aren’t I supposed to be more important to him?” She sounded naïve like a little child, selfish maybe but her reaction just made me laugh. Feeling jealous over your boyfriend’s best friend was rational for a woman who had not seen his boyfriend in a long span of time. She probably missed him more than I missed him.
“Have you been chatting, too?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Cam to cam?”
“No. I don’t have a webcam.”
“I see.” I saw disappointment flashed in her eyes. “Jaejoong’s been strange lately.”
I cringed in my seat. He was miles away, an ocean away and the only way she could contact him was through the Internet or the phone. Jaejoong could easily mask and pretend. But by some chance, did she see through that?
“What do you mean strange?” I asked her nervously. She shuffled in her seat and took a small bite of donut before she supplied me with an answer.
“He refuses to chat cam to cam with me. He doesn’t even send me recent pictures of him. He’s in New York right now but he’s not sending me pictures of him in the Central Park or videos of his recital. He said he didn’t have time to visit the Tower of Liberty. I mean, what a lame excuse, Yoochun. He’s in New York! Shouldn’t he be flying kites in the Central Park or something?” There was an evident tone of despair in her voice. It cut her painfully to not feel Jaejoong’s warm touch or his gentle embrace and soft kisses. But it pained her more that she couldn’t even see him even for a few minutes through the little screen on the computer and she feared that she would forget the way he looked or the way he looked at her.
If only I could tell her the reason why Jaejoong was there in America, then she would understand why Jaejoong didn’t have time to visit the Tower of Liberty or to stroll around the Central Park.
“Tell him,” Yoojin interrupted my thoughts. “I won’t reply to his e-mails or I refuse to chat with him until he shows himself through webcam or sends me recent pictures.”
“Okay, I’ll tell him that when we chat soon.”
“Yoochun,” Yoojin’s voice quavered. This time, the playfulness in her voice disappeared and was replaced by a sad emotion I identified as nostalgia and yearning. “I missed Jaejoong.”
“Me too.”
“Very, very much. That’s how much I miss him. I wish his course would finish soon. Those teachers in Julliard probably loved him. He was a great musician. Don’t you think so?”
I nodded my head. “Of course.” Except the fact that Jaejoong wasn’t in Julliard, I added mentally.
Yoojin crouched and wrapped her hands around her chest. A bittersweet smile escaped her lips and her eyes became lugubrious with hope and pride of her boyfriend who made the Julliard auditions. I felt a lump on my throat. She still didn’t know anything. She still had no idea why Jaejoong left for America. She still thought Jaejoong was performing piano recitals in Julliard.
“When he arrives, he promised he’d teach me English.” Yoojin flashed me a small smile that was both sad and hopeful.
—-
I just stepped out of the shower when my laptop buzzed. I changed hurriedly into new clothes and then collapsed on the chair and checked my YM.
Jaejoong just buzzed me. He was online but he was invisible.
I buzzed him back.
He typed, I kept on buzzing Yoojin but she won’t reply to me.
I replied, she won’t chat with you until you agree to chat cam to cam with her.
Jaejoong was typing the message. But then, the small note that stated he was typing his message disappeared. I stared into the computer screen and patiently waited for his answer. Did I say something wrong? I reviewed my last sentence: She won’t chat with you until you agree to chat cam to cam with her. Nothing was wrong with it. I buzzed at Jaejoong again but there was no sign of him.
Jaejoong was miles and miles away from me. We were linked with each other only through the Internet. I still had the ability to read his emotions even when I couldn’t see him. I didn’t give up waiting for Jaejoong’s reply because I knew he was still there. I did not hesitate spamming his chatbox with dots and commas and jumbled letters.
….
,.,.,.,,,,,,,,,
HELLO?
Asdjfkahsoiwf
Yo!
Asdl……………..sfiw..
KNOCK KNOCK?
?????
????/???///??
C’mon man, reply…
And he did.
I don’t want her to see me, Yoochun.
Why not?
I lost pounds. Lots and lots of pounds…
I felt a rush of cold air brush against my neck. My throat dried up instantly as if all the moisture in it had been suck out by a black hole called denial. My hands on the keyboard trembled hysterically even if I tried to command it to stay calm.
Like Yoojin, I had not seen Jaejoong in a span of two and a half months. I didn’t get to see recent pictures of him. I realized how stupid I was for imagining the same Jaejoong that left Korea two months ago. How stupid I was to forget that in his condition, everything could change so fast.
Would it be noticeable?, I ask
I guess. He answered back.
Then make excuses, Jae. Tell her you’re stressed. Tell her Julliard’s stressing your ass out. Tell her you’re cultured shock and you haven’t adjusted to the kind of food they serve. Just grant her wish.
My lengthy advice occupied six lines in the chatbox. His message, a three-word sentenced popped out a few seconds later.
I really can’t.
And why not? Long pause again…
Can I tell her Julliard makes their students shave their heads bald?
My heart sank and probably shattered into tiny pieces. My trembling hands stopped shaking but they froze rigidly. It took me long before I realized that the reason why my vision was blurring were the tears that flowed out from the edges of my eyes without giving me a warning.
Yoochun, he began typing again.
Yes? My keyboard was wet with tears.
Tell Yoojin I’d go on a concert tour for a month.
Why?
I will seldom go online from now on. He replied. My second session will start tom.
Okay, I gathered courage to ask. But will you be okay after it?
I didn’t want to know the answer to that question. The answer was either, he would be well after the therapy or he would get worse. There were only two answers but I refused to think about them. I couldn’t even think optimistically because I didn’t want to hope too much. Like Yoojin, I would rather let myself believe of the lie that Jaejoong was in Julliard, performing with skillful American musicians than the truth that Jaejoong was skimming through the magazines found at the waiting area of the clinic while waiting for his oncologist.
It can’t be, Jaejoong. I was shaking when I keyed in the words. Why you, Jaejoong?
Just pray for me, Chun… I’ll be strong. You’ll see. I’ll come back with more abs than I already have. You should work out if you want to beat me.
By the time you arrived here, I’ll have eight packs. I answered jokingly although we both knew that this was closest to a fantasy rather than to a reality.
I wanted to be optimistic, Jaejoong. I wanted to sound optimistic for you. I wanted to inspire you not to give up even if it meant I had to lie and fool myself. I felt guilty of leading you on sometimes and telling you when you call, everything’s going to be okay. I hated it when you call me because it would give me the horror of listening to your deflating voice. Jaejoong, have faith in yourself even if I cannot have faith in you.
.
Jaejoong typed his last message as if he read my mind, Always keep the faith. 
As I read the message, the words that were tattooed on my right chest burned as if they were still fresh.
He was my best friend. I loved him like a brother. Why of all did God choose him to suffer?
to be continued……………………………………….
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